The life and times of Little Richard

Part of me wants to read this book, but it doesn’t come on kindle and I don’t want to spend more than $4 on a book. I think like a detailed movie preview, all I need to know about it is right here anyhow:

For the records, 0% of me wants to work today.


Baskin Robbers

I love ice cream. Who the fuck doesn’t? Even my nephew who hates most foods is into it (acceptable: happy meals, ice cream, cereal, donuts, sandwiches within reason, candy/gum, pizza, spaghetti-o’s and other canned pastas, and hypothetically anything branded by Iron Maiden).

When I was in transit between Cleveland and Indianapolis, we would frequent Cold Stone… When I moved here, we were geographically inclined to patronize Dairy Queen (there was one practically on the way to everywhere). They used to be much more liberal with “buy one get one” coupons for blizzards. I would get shitty if they would actually ask for my coupon when I got to the window to pay regardless of the fact that I probably printed several and had extras in the door of my car. Since my glory days of Georgia Mud Fudge w/ heathpiece thrift, they’ve gotten even more staunch on their coupon policy. They ration out six bogo coupons per year which are accessible to print only once (you could still print several that one time) and disappear once they expire. Our orders got too creative and pricey (I like to add stuff. like lots of stuff++.) so we moved on*.

Our romance for Coldstone was soon rekindled. Every time I go in that place I am dumbfounded and don’t know what to do because there’s so many choices and so many complicated sundaes none of which i want without at least one amendment. Luckily decisions were soon made for me when management was changed overnight and coupons of all kinds were BANNED FOR LIFE. The father and son owner team are such scrimpers they are tightwads about their spoons and their peanut butter supply.

We soon discovered that Baskin Robbins, catty corner across the street, was incredible and gratuitiously accepted coupons AND had frequent glutton cards for milk shake drinkers and sundae eaters. It is definately good, frightningly they’re starting to recognize me as “the girl who comes in all the time”+. The problem with baskin robbins is that our habit has come with the spring/arbitrary summer thaw so they have all kinds of trainees. The prices never match the menu, the charges are arbitrary and the product inconsistent. This is almost inarguable because by the time they give you your receipt and you actually see what you pay for it’s too late for refunds and I don’t want anyone doing anything funky to my ice cream. For example today I paid 1.96 for “four scoops of strawberries”. Instead of arguing with me as to whether a milk shake warrants a stamp on my “i drink too much melted ice cream card- give me a free one” today they stamped the fuck out of my sundae card when I bought 2 (not 6). Fucking ice cream roulette. But its so good.

++”Oreo cheesequake with chocolate ice cream add cocofudge** and strawberries” “Philly Cheesesteak?”

*it also got weird when I tried to cut a backdoor deal to get nutter butters back into blizzards after they briefly promotionally offered the cookie as a blizzard feature. Plus their drive thru never worked and they heard me wrong no matter what I said.

+This has not occurred since 2007 when infrequent visits to cold stone always included Faux-wen Wilson sightings and young girls offering me peanut butter spoons.

**I still don’t know what coco fudge is but you’ve got to try it.

Catalogs are the only thing worse than the internet

My sister in law just got a new job and I took on the role of professional fashion consultant since she’s going back to work after 5 years as a stay at home mommy and has not had an office job until now. We pored for hours over a catalog to decide what would be just right for her new job. When it came time to place an order we went online and found that 75% of the items we chose were out of stock or not available in her size/color. We could get SOME of those things but not until random dates in May and June which were not helpful.

Finally after spending several more hours digging through the webite for the catalog, we came to some agreement of tops and pants that would work out and paid an extra $18 to get the stuff shipped Tuesday (today) her second day of work. Of course upon returning home from work, there is no shipment of clothes. I track the order and find it has yet to be processed or shipped. I called the customer service 3 times (the first two I got a recording soliciting me to call a sexy chat line and then a busy signal) and finally after playing “who’s on first” with the customer service rep was given a non working UPS tracking number (obviously it has not shipped despite him taking 5 minutes to come up with this number and telling me it had) and finally told “oh i thought you meant NEXT tuesday”. So long story short, the stuff will get here within a week of the promised date.

I don’t know how older ladies deal with catalogs. Maybe they’re just used to not getting what they want or they don’t mind talking over “solutions” or compromises over the phone. This is yet another reason why I generally refuse to spend more than $8.99(and that’s damn high) for a piece of clothing (I’m a pretty staunch Goodwill devotee).

I have too many remotes

I have three remote controls that I use most frequently. One is for cable (yes our asses finally got cable but not entirely by choice. We’re just along for the ride and the new episodes of Justified, SOA, Breaking Bad, Eastbound & Down and Mad Men*), one for the tv, and one for the dvd player.

The TV and DVD player remotes are both LG so they sometimes can work independently of each other if I can’t find one. Inevitably one of my cats finds one of the three remotes to toss an adorable wrench in whatever we’re watching by pressing change the channel or “paws”. It doesn’t matter what my score on the sobriety chart is I lose them all every day+.  

At the house where I spent the first 14 years of my life, we had a tacky remote holder which hung over the arm of a couch and had a duck on it**. This did not preclude remotes from ending up in the refrigerator, basement, garage or elsewhere (I’m looking at you, dad++).


Not only that, there are remotes for my air conditioner, my two space heaters, my man’s satellite radio and so many devices I no longer use. I don’t use any of these remotes nor do I feed their desire for tiny batteries. This is probably why rich people on Cribs always show you how they have 1 remote that controls their entire house prior to showing you their working copy of Scarface on DVD. 

*Once we had access to cable we were amazed that most of what was on tv was reruns of shit we saw 4 years ago when we last had cable.

+I am still convinced that my loveseat ate a pair of my glasses two years ago but I cannot prove this and this is irrelevant to the discussion at hand. 

**We had ducks all up in that bitch. On the mantle and in the yard and on the walls…

++This comment is actually ridiculous because A) my dad is deceased and B) he would never ever use a computer or access a blog or value my opinion on his remote losing skills. RIP

I hate the internet

Oh my fucking God. I was just writing a 5 page rant on how much I hate the internet and then it all disappeared because the internet sucks. I realized mid rewrite that WordPress saves all your drafts so I will give the disclaimer that WordPress does not suck nor does my job which is run mostly through internet means (email, VoIP, employee portal). Google is also pretty helpful and sometimes funny* as is Dlisted.

Here are some bullet points.

Twitter sucks

  • I want to tell Dan Dakich “Hot Garbage!” but there’s got to be a much easier way. That’s literally the only thing I’ve ever wanted to do on Twitter.
  • I hate when twitter talk bleeds onto Facebook and other websites (@everyone #IamonthewrongwebsiterightnowLOL)
  • It’s fun to participate in my man’s twitter conversations at times but having an account of my own sounds like far too much work

Facebook sucks

  • my mom makes inappropriate downer comments on my otherwise fantastical pictures of cakes and cats
  • I hate how they own everything I put on there. If I see my cats shilling free litter samples or something I’m going to be really embarrassed. Eventually I’m going to have to find somewhere else to put all my prepaid cell phone photography**.
  • Every time I do something it’s announced to my family, my students, my current and previous coworkers, and everyone I went to high school with many of whom have never actually spoken to me on Facebook or in real life.
  • Even though nothing is ever happening that I care about (Facebook game updates, what a nice day it is, what a ‘one of those days’ day it is, vote for my baby in this cute baby contest, look how rich my parents are I am, etc.) I am still compelled to check the site numerous times a day
  • 6 year olds and babies are on Facebook. WTF? Don’t get me started on kids (or anyone) and cell phones by the way.
  • I think I want to delete everyone but beer places, metal bands, and my closest friends but that also sounds like a lot of work
  • My mom is friends with me TWICE.

Sun King sucks

  • If you want to know what’s on tap or when they open+ (which I don’t, fuck them) you have to visit their website, their twitter, their Facebook, Google listing, probably pinterest as well now and then connect the dots of which is most up to date.
  • I have called their phone number numerous times to get actual answers but they NEVER ANSWER IT. Why even have a phone or a published phone number? Years ago when they were slightly less full of themselves I reached them by phone and was told after holding for about 10 minutes that they were too busy to talk to me.

Pinterest is stupid

  • Initially I was interested in putting my kitchen and craft to-dos up but I quickly accumulated a following of people I do not talk to but am “friends with” on Facebook and it creeped me out.
  • Visual clusterfuck.
  • This is probably the fastest I have seen a website go from fun time passer for girls to gold-digging ho (Lowes, Sun King, and many other companies are now pinning with the best of ’em)

Beer Advocate

  • I don’t participate on this website but from what I hear it’s a leading producer and enabler of assholes worldwide
Good Websites not previously mentioned:
  • Wikipedia
  • IMDB
  • the ones with recipes on them
  • Ratebeer
  • Amazon
  • craigslist
  • ebay

*D-listed is on my nice list, Michael K can and does waste my time whenever. This story demonstrates the potential comedic greatness of Google when put into the hands of dumb broads and also has a cameo by someone named “Jaroslaw Jarczok” (typo?):

**Just as good as Instagram with none of the extra work.

+I once went to New Day Meadery when they were closed based on mismatched hours on different websites. I forgive them though because of Breakfast Magpie, their friendly staff, and their free crackers.