Food review: Yves Meatless Ground

Yves Meatless Ground

Just say “No” to Yves

Let me start this post by saying I got 4 hours of sleep and I’m pretty unfocused and unproductive right now. The most productive thing to do might actually be to take a nap but I have to make my feelings about this fake meat known for some compulsory reason.

My battle with onions is well known. There are onions in everything. One might think that onions make a good inexpensive filler or that there’s an assumption I think that onions make food taste “home made” or “good”. I don’t mind them but they make my boyfriend sick so I try to avoid them like the plague.

I mistakenly grabbed this product because ground fake meat is ¬†becoming increasingly hard to find or justify paying for especially with the abundance of obligatory onions. i sometimes default to ground chicken or turkey for tacos but its just not as good. i needed a damn taco. I thought I’d bought this stupidly named product and liked it before but I was thinking of Q’uorn, another stupidly named product made from mushroom protein that they didn’t have. I thought I could trust Yves because they make edible veggie corn dogs.

I habitually scan ingredient lists to search for unnecessary onions and garlic. I didn’t see any listed in the ingredients. I went home, cooked it in a pan with some liquid smoke and taco dust and discovered many cm square pieces of translucent onion, so many that I couldn’t even pick them out. ¬†When I did a double take of the box, I discovered onions were the THIRD INGREDIENT.

If you’re not familiar with how ingredient lists work, they order them from the most abundant ingredient to the smallest trace ingredients in order. Being the grouchy kitchen bitch that I am, I promptly returned the offending crumbles to Kroger to get my NINE DOLLARS back. Fuck you, fake meat. We had stringy chicken breast tacos and it just wasn’t the same even though they were ok because I made them.

And on a side note, I think marketing realistic meat alternatives to vegans is a little like marketing dildos to lesbians. Also, since when does meat HAVE to taste like onions, garlic and spices? Just make the fake meat “meat” flavored or even nothing flavored and let me work out the spices.


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