Food review: Yves Meatless Ground

Yves Meatless Ground

Just say “No” to Yves

Let me start this post by saying I got 4 hours of sleep and I’m pretty unfocused and unproductive right now. The most productive thing to do might actually be to take a nap but I have to make my feelings about this fake meat known for some compulsory reason.

My battle with onions is well known. There are onions in everything. One might think that onions make a good inexpensive filler or that there’s an assumption I think that onions make food taste “home made” or “good”. I don’t mind them but they make my boyfriend sick so I try to avoid them like the plague.

I mistakenly grabbed this product because ground fake meat is  becoming increasingly hard to find or justify paying for especially with the abundance of obligatory onions. i sometimes default to ground chicken or turkey for tacos but its just not as good. i needed a damn taco. I thought I’d bought this stupidly named product and liked it before but I was thinking of Q’uorn, another stupidly named product made from mushroom protein that they didn’t have. I thought I could trust Yves because they make edible veggie corn dogs.

I habitually scan ingredient lists to search for unnecessary onions and garlic. I didn’t see any listed in the ingredients. I went home, cooked it in a pan with some liquid smoke and taco dust and discovered many cm square pieces of translucent onion, so many that I couldn’t even pick them out.  When I did a double take of the box, I discovered onions were the THIRD INGREDIENT.

If you’re not familiar with how ingredient lists work, they order them from the most abundant ingredient to the smallest trace ingredients in order. Being the grouchy kitchen bitch that I am, I promptly returned the offending crumbles to Kroger to get my NINE DOLLARS back. Fuck you, fake meat. We had stringy chicken breast tacos and it just wasn’t the same even though they were ok because I made them.

And on a side note, I think marketing realistic meat alternatives to vegans is a little like marketing dildos to lesbians. Also, since when does meat HAVE to taste like onions, garlic and spices? Just make the fake meat “meat” flavored or even nothing flavored and let me work out the spices.


Kitchen Disasters

Last night I had my first kitchen disaster in a long ass time. I was bound and determined to make donuts. Sour cream donuts to be exact, the best crunchy misshapen kind of donut. I was multitasking as always– taco meat was cooking (had to do something with the extra sour cream, plus tacos are suitable for every night*+), taco shells were crisping in the oven, oil was heating on the range for donut frying, dough was rolled, floured and cut into picture perfect donuts and holes while icing waited to be dipped into.

All of a sudden I lifted the lid on the hot oil and flames spontaneously erupted. It was of course terrifying. I put the lid back on and put the pot outside but not before all of the parts of the house I use filled with smoke and the stench of defeat. After spending an hour or so clearing the smoke out and washing the smell out of my hair, I baked the donuts in the oven and they came out certifiably “okay”. Thankfully this type of thing does not happen all that often.

This all could have somehow gone a lot worse, but it reminded me of other kitchen disasters I have had such as:

  • tacos tipping over (“stand and stuff” is a lie)
  • bacon smog fog every time i make it
  • getting drunk and melting a bread bag on the stove while trying to make grilled cheese (2009)
  • The heating element in the oven burning out mission impossible fuse style (2009)
  • dropping pecan pie with chocolate ice cream upside down on the floor (2008)
  • Slicing my finger open on a meat slicer while working at a deli- my and any customers worst nightmare (2007)
  • eggs breaking on carpet (1998) (who carpets a kitchen? my dad.)
  • dropping a trifle of cake, cool whip and berries fashioned to look like an american flag on the ground  (1993)
  • getting caught stealing birthday cake frosting prior to bday part (1989)

*celebrity taco endorsement:

+see also, grilled cheese v. taco (2007):