Attention specialists

If you’re so inclined to read about recipes, juice, and what I eat on a daily basis, feel free to visit whatjacquieats.wordpress.org. This is my latest halfassed attempt at a food journal, for once, without wasting notebooks at a time. I felt it would be unfair to what 2 readers I have to clog my existing blog with inane food lists in between rants.

Food review: Yves Meatless Ground

Yves Meatless Ground

Just say “No” to Yves

Let me start this post by saying I got 4 hours of sleep and I’m pretty unfocused and unproductive right now. The most productive thing to do might actually be to take a nap but I have to make my feelings about this fake meat known for some compulsory reason.

My battle with onions is well known. There are onions in everything. One might think that onions make a good inexpensive filler or that there’s an assumption I think that onions make food taste “home made” or “good”. I don’t mind them but they make my boyfriend sick so I try to avoid them like the plague.

I mistakenly grabbed this product because ground fake meat is  becoming increasingly hard to find or justify paying for especially with the abundance of obligatory onions. i sometimes default to ground chicken or turkey for tacos but its just not as good. i needed a damn taco. I thought I’d bought this stupidly named product and liked it before but I was thinking of Q’uorn, another stupidly named product made from mushroom protein that they didn’t have. I thought I could trust Yves because they make edible veggie corn dogs.

I habitually scan ingredient lists to search for unnecessary onions and garlic. I didn’t see any listed in the ingredients. I went home, cooked it in a pan with some liquid smoke and taco dust and discovered many cm square pieces of translucent onion, so many that I couldn’t even pick them out.  When I did a double take of the box, I discovered onions were the THIRD INGREDIENT.

If you’re not familiar with how ingredient lists work, they order them from the most abundant ingredient to the smallest trace ingredients in order. Being the grouchy kitchen bitch that I am, I promptly returned the offending crumbles to Kroger to get my NINE DOLLARS back. Fuck you, fake meat. We had stringy chicken breast tacos and it just wasn’t the same even though they were ok because I made them.

And on a side note, I think marketing realistic meat alternatives to vegans is a little like marketing dildos to lesbians. Also, since when does meat HAVE to taste like onions, garlic and spices? Just make the fake meat “meat” flavored or even nothing flavored and let me work out the spices.

Delayed parkinglot post: food and food accessories

In theory I hate processed food. I hate all the bullshit you can’t pronounce or identify. Don’t put silicone dioxide (sand) in my tacos and spices. Keep your transfats outta my snacks. I have yet to evolve to a point where I actually have the time energy or money to devote to whole no bs foods.

Furthermore, why does everything have to have onion derivatives or garlic powder in with it? my man can’t eat onion laced foods without getting sick so making anything Mexican or Italian or flavorful can prove to be a challenge. It’s the principle anyhow; lots of people don’t get along with those two foods.

After extensive reading of tiny print I’ve found 2 onionless marinara sauces in Indianapolis. I’m not sure if an onionless salsa exists or not but I have found 2 onionless  queso sauces. Back to seasonings…. I needed a sweet and smoky rub for pork to make Korean tacos. After about 15 minutes of spice aisle examination I just decided to make my own out of brown sugar, cinnamon, salt, black pepper and ground chipotle pepper(my only seasoning purchase today aside from liquid smoke). So far it smells like heaven but we’ll see how it tastes tonight [ed. Note: best tacos ever]

Also, when did sesame oil begin sharing a price point with myhr and other precious commodities?  99% sure its on par with the fancypants olive oils. Oil vey!!

foods i hate

Straight up Cow Milk- it’s not good for kids. it’s not good for cats. it’s not goo for anybody. it’s nutritionally inferior to soy milk. its texture is appalling. 

Mac and Cheese/Cheetos, etc.- I hate anything with orange powdered cheese. I will tolerate a Doritos loco taco for adventure’s sake. The worst is when you have a library book and it has orange cheesy finger prints or a booger in it. I am so thankful that my man got me a Kindle.

Most varieties of noodles- I’m very particular about textures, diameters, widths, applications of sauce

Alfredo sauce- gross! That’s like the whole list in one!

Cold soups- defeats the purpose of soups. Call it a drink.

Shellfish, fish fish, anything that smells like fish with the exception of fried fish and chips on rare occasion

Thick burgers- I like skinny burgers from the grill in my yard, Wendy’s, and steak and shake. In most applications I don’t like the taste or texture of ground beef especially in large quantities.

 

Kitchen projects to do

To do:
  • Macaroni and pulled pork grilled cheese*
  • stuffed bell peppers
  • whatever challenges arise
  • chicken and dumplings
  • pot stickers
  • beef sticks ala Egg roll king
  • Chinese meat buns
  • thin pizza crust
  • bread in my dormant bread-maker in general
  • baklava
  • skish ka bobs (preferably with haloumi)
  • lentil salad
Previous triumphs:

  • Mama’s Hawaiian wedding cake (pineapple rum bundt cake with stabilized cream icing doused in coconut with a pineapple stem hat)
  • Jacqui Fields chocolate chip Cookies
  • Peanut butter Hershey kiss cookies
  • frosted peanut butter brownie cookies
  • Roslyn’s frosted smiley face (smiley beer, smiley alien, frowny carl’s jr’s star, use your imagination) cookies
  • oatmeal chocolate coffee toffee stoutie cookies
  • pulled pork, pulled chicken, Korean tacos
  • oven ribs
  • meatloaf
  • tiny cracker sandwiches (3 cheeses and salami on saltines) (just invented yesterday)
  • ice cream cake ala DQ
  • chicken and chorizo tacos/chimis
  • spaghetti pizza (angel hair pasta mixed with eggs and cheeses baked to form a crust and topped with traditional pizza toppings
  • breakfast hash, pancakes, waffles of all sorts
  • Thai iced tea
  • Czech caraway seasoned pork roast, dumplings, sauerkraut
  • chicken breast stuffed w/ bacon and cheese 

*Sans macaroni for me, I’ve not been a fan for a long time+
+I’m pasta neurotic- will eat penne, rice noodles, lasagne, angel hair in spaghetti pizza, tortellini, ravioli…. aversed to smooth, elbow, twisty, curly or thick pastas.